{1}{1}29.97
{5}{167}Due to the mature theme and violent content, parental discretion is advised.
{170}{197}FUTURAMA||
{200}{424}FUTURAMA|this episode performed|entirely by sock puppets
{500}{810}Portion 46. - S4E2 - 3ACV03|A Tale of Two Santas
{1080}{1422}In what has become a winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club, today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.
{1425}{1517}There were no survivors.
{1520}{1795}Takes all kinds. And now, witgh his annual Xmas Message, here's the Head of the Xmas Safety Council, the Head of Walter Cronkite.
{1798}{1882}Seasons warnings, Linda and Morbo.
{1885}{1972}This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?
{1975}{2897}In all the tinsle and terror of the holiday season we too often underestimate that murderous brute, better known as Santa Claus. With images of last years gingerbread massacre freashly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying you "I told you so."
{2900}{3067}Sacred ball of eastern and westerm Samour. We've got to secure for Santa's arrival.
{3070}{3217}Just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show.
{3220}{3417}Cover that fireplace confound you. I've only a few years to live. I don't wanna spend them dead!
{3420}{3487}We're pushing as hard as we can.
{3490}{3541}Oh! Pushing!
{3620}{3987}Oh we're doomed! Every year we're doomed! Thanks be I had these bullet proof shutters installed!
{3990}{4041}Whaa!
{4060}{4117}Trespassers will be shot
{4120}{4190}Bring it on Santa!
{4415}{5017}That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us so long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building. In a related matter you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
{5020}{5157}These letters are real butt-nutters! Listen to this one! Dear Santa...
{5160}{5407}...Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun really tore up my insides.
{5410}{5527}Awful!...Let's read some more. Dear Santa...
{5530}{5847}...Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked him with a chestnut last year and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if you know what I mean.
{5850}{6007}It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed to bring people together not blow them apart!
{6010}{6137}Sure but who's going to do anything about it? Certainly not us, no sir!
{6140}{6297}Certainly yes us, uh-huh sir! We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.
{6300}{6472}Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap. And hard!
{6475}{6553}Notrh pole of Neptune
{6570}{6663}Welcome to Jolly Junction
{6860}{7020}Aw, look! A Cute little welcoming party!
{7030}{7112}Hey. Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?
{7115}{7167}I'll let you punch me for a buck.
{7170}{7272}Uh look, we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves?
{7275}{7327}We're not elves. We're Neptunians!
{7330}{7427}We're just shrimpy because he doesn't feed us!
{7430}{7556}You hit me! You owe me a dollar!
{7715}{7902}Hey, you got any food? Old teabags, chewed gum, apple cores? C'mon! We're starving here!
{7905}{7957}But you live in a gingerbread house!
{7960}{8027}Hey, it's food or shelter, not both.
{8030}{8137}You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for making the toys?
{8140}{8162}Who said toys?
{8165}{8227}Toys? Toys? Who said toys?
{8230}{8397}False alarm folks! There's no reason to make toys since Santa judges everyone to be naughty.
{8400}{8442}Toy works closed|Coming soon|Crackhouse
{8445}{8587}That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where is he?
{8590}{8698}There! In his ice fortress.
{8825}{8993}We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?
{9025}{9072}I'll help you!
{9075}{9102}Ah phooey!
{9105}{9147}Elves only!
{9150}{9321}If you are taller than this, prepare to die!
{9500}{9630}Electric fence|Now with shockolin
{9685}{9717}An omen?
{9720}{9771}Dinner!
{9880}{10727}Ha ha ha ha. Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty! Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty. Shopkeeper's not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty! I saw that! Huh?
{10730}{10797}We brought your mail.
{10800}{10998}Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing you know!
{11001}{11056}Don't kill us!
{11095}{11357}Santa is a robot. So we should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox. Bender, you'd better cover your ears.
{11360}{11449}Holy night! Intruders!
{11475}{11538}Hold it's Santa.
{11547}{11587}Ejjj
{11590}{12197}Hold it Santa! Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are in fact, nice. I submit to you, that you are naughty, and logically, you must destroy yourself!
{12200}{12484}Nice try. But my head was built with paradox absorbing crumple zones.
{13050}{13203}Wait! This is what we're running from! 
{13270}{13333}Faster, faster!
{14040}{14092}Why aren't we moving?
{14095}{14327}I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves.
{14330}{14385}Ho ho...eh?
{14680}{14788}-He's trapped!|-Hooray!
{14810}{14867}Now we can make toys again!
{14870}{14944}Toys! Toys! Toys!
{14965}{15067}And I can deliver them! Billions and billions in one night.
{15070}{15147}Bah! No human could do all that.
{15150}{15187}Evil Knievel could!
{15190}{15227}Nuh-uh!
{15230}{15387}Santa's right. We need some sort of robot.
{15390}{15516}Aw crap! I'm some sort of robot!
{15520}{15571}Hooray!
{15730}{15887}Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications.
{15890}{16027}Oh yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either! But that didn't stop me.
{16030}{16052}Bender!
{16055}{16140}Bow to your new Santa!
{16150}{16201}Our hero!
{16220}{16433}We are free and fairly sober with so many toys to build.
{16530}{16687}The machines are kinda tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we gladly work for nothing...
{16690}{16767}...which is good because we don't intend to pay. The elves are back to work today...
{16770}{16821}Huray!
{16860}{17042}We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts. And the labour isn't easy... 
{17045}{17312}...then you'll all work triple shifts. You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super-speed.
{17315}{17397}It's back to work on Xmas Eve!
{17400}{17427}Hooray!
{17430}{17631}And though you're cold and sore and ugly, your pride will mask the pain.
{17634}{17732}Let my happy smile warm your heart...
{17735}{17839}There's a toy lodged in my brain!
{17842}{18008}Now we're getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster and we're sorry...
{18011}{18362}Why you selfish little bastards do you want the kids to think Santa's just a crummy empty headed jerk? Then shut your yaps and back to work!
{18365}{18462}Now it's very nearly Xmas and we've done the best we could.
{18465}{18517}These toys soldiers are poorly painted...
{18520}{18567}...And they're made from inferior wood.
{18570}{18672}I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly.
{18675}{18772}If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye.
{18775}{18887}Now its back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye.
{18890}{19032}You did the best you could, I guess that some of these gorillas are OK.
{19035}{19052}We're adequate!
{19055}{19230}The elves have rescued Xmas Day! Hooray!
{19670}{19952}Gee Bender how you gonna get through these bars? I dunno moron suppose I bend them? Duh OK!
{19955}{20037}Mommy, mommy, Santa's through the perimeter!
{20040}{20142}This is it kids. Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer.
{20145}{20307}No wait, I'm the good Santa. I've got toys! At very reasonable prices!
{20310}{20422}Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies! And the uncle of all tricks!
{20425}{20487}But I come bearing tri-ominos!
{20490}{20556}Go for the shins!
{20785}{20836}One down...
{20985}{21017}Uh!?
{21020}{21192}Well hello there handsome! Won't you have a cookie?
{21195}{21312}Uh, don't mind if I do. Ow! What's in these things?
{21315}{21486}Why don't you slip into something more fiery?
{21835}{21912}Yo Gringo! What happened to you doll?
{21915}{22032}Oh it's awful Kwanzabot. Everyone hates me.
{22035}{22167}At least they understand you, you know what I'm sayin'? Anyone ain't down with this Kwanza tit!
{22170}{22267}Hey. Maybe you could lend me a hand with these deliveries.
{22270}{22422}Eh, no time. I gotta hand out the traditional Kwanzaa book.
{22425}{22638}I've been givin' these out for 647 years!
{22850}{23092}Ah, bathtub eggnog. Just the way Grandma used to drink. Eww! It went sour!
{23095}{23177}Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
{23180}{23332}Remember Professor: Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him right?
{23335}{23472}Yes, yes yes. You sound like a broken mp3!
{23475}{23526}Ho ho - Ow!
{23545}{23637}Professor! Don't you remember what I told you?
{23640}{23691}No!
{23815}{23917}Oh, there's gotta be a better way.
{23920}{23971}Toys for tots
{24080}{24169}Bender you're a genius!
{24200}{24312}This creates and unrealistic standard of beauty!
{24315}{24505}Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present!
{24515}{24572}It's Santa! We got him cornered!
{24575}{24672}Aw I smell a juicy promotion for me!
{24675}{24772}And a juicy re-hiring back onto the force for me!
{24775}{24807}Hey I look, he?
{24810}{24917}Suspect nabbed in Santa case!|Chanukah zombie still at large
{24920}{25002}Famous original Ray's superior court
{25005}{25212}This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. The honourable Judge Whitey presiding.
{25215}{25387}Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead?
{25390}{25417}Not Santa.
{25420}{25490}There he is again!
{25525}{26092}Now Pamela I know it's scary in that there witness box but, t'ain't no need to fear me. I'm sorry I thought you was corn. Now, would you please point at that robot over there.
{26095}{26195}No further questions.
{26275}{26332}Daddy done good!
{26335}{26442}Isnt' it true you have been paying for your testimony?
{26445}{26527}Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
{26530}{26742}And yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can any of us trust you?
{26745}{26802}Quit badgering the witness.
{26805}{26871}Badger?? Where?
{26920}{27177}Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonaise waiting for me at my mansion, I find the defendant guilty.
{27180}{27392}Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown.
{27395}{27627}It's not fair. I just hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
{27630}{27742}Stattica robot penitentiart|Two death rows|No waiting
{27745}{27967}Deactivated robot walking. We got a deactivated robot walking here.
{27970}{28147}Hey Santa. When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm a comin'!
{28150}{28202}Hey that guy said to tell you that -
{28205}{28256}I heard him!
{28545}{28647}Greetings masters. My companion and I made lots of toys.
{28650}{28932}Outta my way shrimpo, we're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocent.
{28935}{29136}Do what you will. But we'll see who has the last ho.
{29165}{29227}-There.|-Oh no, the ice is melting!
{29230}{29337}The pollution from the factory. It caused a greenhouse effect.
{29340}{29387}That would explain this heat.
{29390}{29427}And your breezy short shorts!
{29430}{29571}Uh yeah, that would explain it.
{30555}{30667}Hurry. We've gotta think of another way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!
{30670}{30759}Especially for Bender. 
{30850}{31036}Look out Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas!
{31165}{31239}Magnexecutioner
{31275}{31368}Ah good old Maggie! Eh?
{31390}{31582}When I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.
{31585}{31677}But, Mr Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
{31680}{31870}It is for the witnesses. Because it's not boring!
{31890}{32037}The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed.
{32040}{32091}Aw!
{32105}{32147}Ten.
{32150}{32197}Three.
{32200}{32247}Twelve.
{32250}{32267}Three again.
{32270}{32317}Stop the execution!
{32320}{32337}Leela!
{32340}{32392}Fifteen. Negative eight.
{32395}{32472}You got the wrong Santa! And I'll prove it!
{32475}{32538}I'm Santa Claus!
{32570}{32597}What? Twenty seven. 
{32600}{32657}No. I'm Santa Claus.
{32660}{32687}Six.
{32690}{32752}We're also Santa Claus.
{32755}{32812}And I'm his friend Jesus!
{32815}{32932}Your Mayorness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.
{32935}{33297}You people aren't Santa. You aren't even robots. Ninety one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! Hey! Zero!
{33300}{33352}No! Not the magnets!
{33355}{33635}Swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home. Swing low...
{33675}{33712}This is horrible.
{33715}{33793}But it's not boring!
{33810}{33861}Ho ho ho!
{34045}{34127}My God! It's the real Santa! Get him Jesus!
{34130}{34256}I help those who help themselves.
{34270}{34367}Santa! You saved my life! Please don't kill me!
{34370}{34639}I'm not here to kill you Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas!
{34650}{34777}Gee wiz Santa! You want me to help you?
{34780}{34827}Don't do it! He's evil!
{34830}{35297}I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late. And if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
{35300}{35400}Well... tis the season!
{36060}{36095}My hair!
{36098}{36161}My wedding cake!
{36187}{36238}Let it snow!
{36290}{36383}Mery X-Mas, kids!
{36695}{36847}This wangs chun. After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever!
{36850}{36872}No heat.
{36875}{36907}No power.
{36910}{37027}Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.
{37030}{37147}Wait a second, maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten afterall.
{37150}{37367}What are you talking about you cruton? You said it yourself. Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
{37370}{37512}But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas!
{37515}{37641}That's a big crock of - Hold me!
{37890}{38047}On Trasher! On Smasher! Hey Kwanzaabot, where you off to?
{38050}{38192}Ah didn't you hear 'bout it? Chanukah Zombie's having a Luau at the B'nai Brith! You comin'?
{38195}{38246}Wer!
{38280}{38552}By the way Bender here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.
{38555}{38632}Woohoohoohoo! Hey chief you screwed up. There's nothing in here!
{38635}{39020}Oh it might appear empty but the message is clear! Play Santa again and I'll kill you next year!
{39157}{39572}Preformat + timesync:|K5 using soft SubtitlesK5ky|/21-Jan-2003/